BBQ Thieves Beware

Here is one of my favourite, fun letters that I have written. We have still not replaced the BBQ, but I got some funny responses from this. Some people in town actually thought my letter was serious, because at that time, I was producing some art. Yes, the BBQ was missing. . .but the rest is pure fiction. "BBQ Thieves Beware Letter to the Editor: Warning to those who stole my barbecue on May 2, 2***. I am sorry that you do not have the funds to purchase your own; it must be embarrassing being so terribly destitute, to resort to stealing what you thought was a simple five-year-old barbecue. I truly hope you do not get sick, as for the past nine months, I have used the barbecue not as a tool for grilling frankfurters, but for artistic applications. The chemicals involved are unfit for human consumption and when residue is orally ingested, it has a half-life of approximately twenty years. This residue is on the grilling surface, is embedded in the charcoal, and surrounding porous surfaces of the barbecue. If one were to utilize this barbecue as a means of cooking, these chemicals would permeate your dinner. The toxic chemicals can cause severe liver and duodenum damage as well as impair reproductive functions that include (but are not limited to) impotence. Lastly, what you perceived as spatulas and tongs used for flipping hamburgers, were in fact, implements for removing my dog's bowel movements from the premises. You may want to be tested for Giardia or a round worm infection, which, left untreated, can be very uncomfortable and awkward. If you have any concerns please contact me. You obviously know my address, it shouldn't be a problem getting in touch. "